what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
BRING THE BAGELS
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
