I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
