Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
