too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
