Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
