you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
