Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
