you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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