Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Soap is not a condiment
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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