Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
