I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize