I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
It's just like the Real World with babies
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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