I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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