The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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