Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
