corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
