Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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