Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
