Non-Jews are for practice
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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