I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
