her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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