I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
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