im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
