i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
