After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
