Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize