So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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