i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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