Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
