Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
