I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
