I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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