I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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