you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
