i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
