My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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