that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
