I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
