if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
