Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize