I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
