She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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