just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
