fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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