Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
