hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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