The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
