My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
