I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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