I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
