On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
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