My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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