Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
