I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
