omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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