an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
