Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
