how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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