Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
