literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
