My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
