he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
