you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
